I haven’t had the heart to blog lately, but I still check in on several that I am following. I don’t know why I have not wanted to share my thoughts, but I suspect that I am probably avoiding the feelings that come with them. I am struggling with several things right now that so much feel like they are about my appearance. I hate that, because there is so much more to my life than how I look, and yet I get so mentally and emotionally exhausted with the amount of energy I direct towards worrying about not looking the way I would prefer to look.
Point One: My Skin. I have been picking excessively, and worrying about this odd rash that keeps appearing, disappearing, reappearing. I have spent entirely too much time on the internets trying to figure out what this could be, have decided and undecided and decided again that it is a yeast overgrowth (fake illness alert!), then resolved to leave it alone and gone back to slathering 18 different products on it In the meantime I’ve picked at areas on my chin and chest and created future lifetime scars. This is an OCD tendency of mine and I absolutely hate it so much. It tends to get worse when my restriction gets better. Which brings me to….
Point Two: Sugar. I decided a month or so back to allow myself to start eating ice cream daily again. I had lost some weight and was really starting to look haggard. This is an improvement because earlier in my ED I actually liked looking sick. This time, it was getting a bit gross. But that has escalated into really large bowls nightly plus a block of chocolate. It grosses me out now. I know it isn’t good for me considering it has displaced what used to be a high protein night snack before bed. I don’t know how to handle this. I know my body probably wants the calories and I know all the proper ‘sensible’ things to reduce the cravings and the uncontrollable feelings I have around sugar. I’ve talked to my RD at length and she wants me to incorporate more protein earlier in the day, and thinks that will help. Of course I know this, I know the reasons I am probably driven to eat so much sugar late at night, and I know the underlying truth is that I still need to gain even more weight before my body will be where it ‘wants’ to be. I’m at the ‘minimally healthy’ place now though, and I want to stay there. Yes of course I know I don’t get to pick my body’s healthy place, and that I am not helping myself by insisting on hanging on to the control. At this point I feel I have so much less ‘willpower’ to make a change though, so my anorexia has a worthy foe, finally, which is my inability to skip the sugar at the end of the day. For someone who has been really ‘good’ (I know I know) at restricting for like 15 years, this is very very difficult to deal with. Also, my knee is jacked, and my running is derailed, so I am dealing with a trainwreck of ED headspace, on top of feeling ugly because my skin looks so awful.
Anyway, that’s where I’ve been. There’s other stuff going on in my life, work stuff, dating stuff. But these things are what is filling up the space behind my eyeballs.