This Sucks

I have been given an assignment by my RD to do things differently over the next 2 weeks, when we meet again. This feels impossible. But making one tiny change at a time (one per infrequent appointment) is not getting me anywhere, after years and years and years. If I was actually following through, maybe there’d be some progress-but even then not much. As it stands I never follow through.
I don’t want to change ANYthing, and I really need to change EVERYthing. I went to the grocery store yesterday for the weekly stock up and my ‘change’ was to go backwards through the store. I usually start in produce, fill the cart with veggies, and then pick up a few other items (like diet coke, fake sugar, a couple pots of the lowest calorie yogurt I can find, and cough syrup to which I am apparently addicted because I can’t sleep without a dose.) I don’t think this is the type of change she meant-I know we were talking about a real food change. I don’t want to discredit this effort on my part to do something different, but I know it is not enough. And here we are, Day Two, and I don’t think I have any change in me.
I am so so stuck. My weight isn’t ‘critical’ and hasn’t been for some time. My BMI is too low, but it’s not inpatient low anymore. I don’t get a period, but I just saw my doctor and all my other vitals/labs/etc are ok (well, my heartrate is a bit low, but otherwise everything is good.) I eat the same thing today that I ate yesterday and the day before and last year and two years ago. Its Groundhog Day with food, minus Bill Murray. The number of calories in Groundhog Day is enough to keep me alive and fuel my runs and my highly cerebral job; I can no longer afford to do the severe restriction of my younger days of anorexia because I have to pay the mortgage and show up every day and generally Take Care of Adult Shit, so I present this fake life of productive, insightful, intelligent, high-powered, highly functional, AND thin (but not scary thin; more like somewhere between Hollywood thin and endurance athlete thin, so as to protect the illusion). I seem to have it all, but it is a house of cards, and the cards are made from deprivation and rigid control.
I don’t know how to change. Baby steps? Radical overhaul? Something in between? I don’t know how to change the patterns. My life structure is entirely built on the scaffolding of diet/fitness and removing those things feels like total personal demolition. I don’t know where to start.


5 thoughts on “This Sucks

  1. Sometimes being stuck in this limbo stage is literally scarier then when I was almost dead. I’m having a hard time of it today as well. Honestly, for me it got worse before it got better. Pushing myself out of my rigid routine and schedule was horrifying for months. Buts it got easier. I just kept pushing myself until I finally had a bit of a break down. I was like “fuck it I’ll just be fat I don’t care anymore” it felt like I was giving up and failing, but I wasn’t, I was making progress. I’m still struggling with trying new things. I have been able to make some goals outside of food and exercise but I haven’t been able to push myself to join the real world yet. I thought I might take golf lessons or tennis lesson or something. Learn something new, maybe meet a new friend. It’s so hard though.
    I know you are frustrated, I’m sorry your feeling stuck ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, It feels nice to know I am understood and this is helpful. I know rationally that I am not ‘fat’ and that I could put on 20 pounds and still not be ‘fat.’ Maybe I need to have that mentality-fuck it I’ll just be fat’-even though I wouldn’t be, and get ok with the idea of being fat. So that regardless of whether it is just in my head I am fat, or if I am really fat, that either way it doesnt matter because life is more important. Anyway I do hope you will try a new (maybe non-sport) hobby to meet some people. One thing that actually has helped me has been forming a robust social network.

      Liked by 1 person

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