I have been traveling and while it was all a great adventure, I am so happy to be back home. I spent the morning relishing the opportunity to clean my house, sip coffee from an actual mug (not styrofoam) on the sofa, and just generally have no agenda. And it is time for me to reply to these questions which were posited by Chelsey and  Em.

  1. What is your favorite food? ICE CREAM, unless WHISKEY counts as food?
  2. What is something you have always wanted to try? Living a life without rules.
  3. What is your favorite hobby? Ugh…either running or drinking whiskey? that is a loaded answer that suggests some issues I need to work on. Horses, but I can’t afford that one consistently.
  4. What is your biggest pet peeve? AHHH BABIES ON AIRPLANES. Sorry, I try to be empathetic, but for this one it is a real challenge.
  5. Where are you from? I was born out of my mother’s womb onto the planet Earth.
  6. Where is your dream vacation? Anywhere abroad and new as long as it isn’t too cold, and as long as ED stays the f#ck home.
  7. What is the last picture you took with your phone? BABY ELK
  8. What food do you hate the most? BANANAS and that one is easy and definite. Bananas are gross, and I don’t want to talk about it.
  9. If you had to choose to live without one of your five senses, which one would you give up? my common sense, I don’t use it anyway
  10. If you were stranded in jungle somewhere and could only bring one item, what would it be? an iPhone so I could log into Amazon, and order some stuff for delivery by drone. I like the idea of a jungle but I’d definitely need some stuff.
  11. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would buy? OOOOoooh a horse farm where I could live a life of equestrian luxury. Hang on I need to pause now to run out and buy a ticket.
  1. What inspired you to get into blogging?Honestly I stumbled on Hayley’s blog and started roaming from there. I found the some of the blogs I was reading were more helpful and motivating in terms of recovery than some of the years (and years and years) of therapy and treatment I’ve received. I also listened to a podcast by the young yet wise Maddy Moon about the benefits of blogging in recovery and was inspired. I started this blog to help myself first and foremost, because I am still struggling with my ED. I hate ‘journaling’ but somehow this feels different and less like something I have to do.
  2. How did you come up with the title for your blog? I had just been thinking about how recovery allows a real person to emerge from the anorexia. Anorexics, while in the disease, are basically all clones of the same boring template. They think what they are doing is so special and secret but it isn’t; so many of the thoughts and behaviors are identical from person to person. It is only through recovery that our actual personhoods can start to emerge and shine. Despite what ED says to the contrary, anorexia is not at all something that makes you special- it is truly just so boring. Recovery is interesting.
  3. Do you have any pets? If so, what kinds and what are their names? Oh yes, I have a dog who is my child. He is a big ball of fluff but he prefers to remain anonymous for the time being.
  4. What is your favourite quote today? I don’t really store quotes in my brain. I think quotes are a big thing on instagram? But I don’t instagram. You can probably just insert any lyrics from any Smiths song to answer this question. Lets go with this: Oh, I say:
    Some girls are bigger than others
    Some girls are bigger than others
    Some girl’s mothers are bigger than
    Other girl’s mothers
  5. If you had a superpower what would it be? Fearlessness
  6. Who is your favourite author/writer/journalist? This is impossible to answer. I really like Stephen King, but not so much the horror stuff as the Dark Tower series. I also love a lot of classics, Margaret Atwood, Christopher Moore, god this question could be just another blog entirely. I read obsessively. Can I go back to the hobby question and insert reading?
  7. What is your favourite poem? I don’t really care much for poetry. Mostly it annoys me.
  8. What is your favorite place that you have traveled to? I can’t answer that but I just got back from the Rocky Mountain National Park and it was beautiful. Here are some photos!  (I don’t know how to do photos on this, does anyone have any tips to make this look less weird?? Also, the man on the horse in the back of the pack was a park ranger in CO whose job is riding trains of pack mules through RMNP. I tried to chase him down and catch him because I think he is meant to be my husband and soulmate. Does anyone know him? If so can you please tell him he needs to call me so we can get on with things?)   018007025  030
  9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose to live? See #8. Or at the beach.
  10. Do you have a favourite art-work or museum/gallery? Not really. I am not well-versed in visual arts, though I do appreciate them.
  11. Favorite sport to watch on television? Hockey, or equestrian (though I dont have cable, so I don’t really get to see equestrian sports on tv except for the races, which aren’t really my thing.)

Phew! That was a lot of questions. Probably not tons of fun for others to read, but interesting to answer.


Response Pending

I was nominated for this Liebster Award thing by fellow kickass bloggers Chelsey and Emma and at first I responded with something along the lines of “Cool! Thanks!” and then went about my day. I just now realized I was supposed to actually do something in response to the nominations (answer some questions, link back, and spread the blog love for other bloggers), so I will get to that as soon as I can. It may take me a day or two or ten to get to it, but I will do it.

This Liebster thing isn’t just a lovefest but a tool to spread awareness about other bloggers with similar interests, and that is something I want to support.

Stay tuned, and thanks ladies for the nomination!

This Sucks

I have been given an assignment by my RD to do things differently over the next 2 weeks, when we meet again. This feels impossible. But making one tiny change at a time (one per infrequent appointment) is not getting me anywhere, after years and years and years. If I was actually following through, maybe there’d be some progress-but even then not much. As it stands I never follow through.
I don’t want to change ANYthing, and I really need to change EVERYthing. I went to the grocery store yesterday for the weekly stock up and my ‘change’ was to go backwards through the store. I usually start in produce, fill the cart with veggies, and then pick up a few other items (like diet coke, fake sugar, a couple pots of the lowest calorie yogurt I can find, and cough syrup to which I am apparently addicted because I can’t sleep without a dose.) I don’t think this is the type of change she meant-I know we were talking about a real food change. I don’t want to discredit this effort on my part to do something different, but I know it is not enough. And here we are, Day Two, and I don’t think I have any change in me.
I am so so stuck. My weight isn’t ‘critical’ and hasn’t been for some time. My BMI is too low, but it’s not inpatient low anymore. I don’t get a period, but I just saw my doctor and all my other vitals/labs/etc are ok (well, my heartrate is a bit low, but otherwise everything is good.) I eat the same thing today that I ate yesterday and the day before and last year and two years ago. Its Groundhog Day with food, minus Bill Murray. The number of calories in Groundhog Day is enough to keep me alive and fuel my runs and my highly cerebral job; I can no longer afford to do the severe restriction of my younger days of anorexia because I have to pay the mortgage and show up every day and generally Take Care of Adult Shit, so I present this fake life of productive, insightful, intelligent, high-powered, highly functional, AND thin (but not scary thin; more like somewhere between Hollywood thin and endurance athlete thin, so as to protect the illusion). I seem to have it all, but it is a house of cards, and the cards are made from deprivation and rigid control.
I don’t know how to change. Baby steps? Radical overhaul? Something in between? I don’t know how to change the patterns. My life structure is entirely built on the scaffolding of diet/fitness and removing those things feels like total personal demolition. I don’t know where to start.